It’s a Pain

My intentions with this blog have been sorely neglected.  It’s hard sometimes to keep the faith when my head just rattles on in the pain it knows so well.  I do try to be PollyAndrea positive, but those of you with chronic pain can relate when I say there’re many days when I just want to grab Pollyanna by the hair and throw her out the door.

My fifty eighth birthday is fast approaching.  I wish I had less pain in my life.  I feel let down by the medical field that seems to say in unison, “pain relievers cause rebound migraines, so you must try XXX as a prevention and as for your pain …  well . . .”.   I’ve tried many XXXs, and so far nothing is helping me.  It’s now eight months since the neurologist scolded me for taking the equivalent of one Vicodin a day as if I were a naughty child and wrote boldly on my chart ” STOP VICODIN!”.  Dear doctor, I stopped in June.  My migraines are still rebounding. 

I’m in pain almost every day for a good part of the day.  I know three people in my immediate circle of family and friends who have carte blanc on pain pills for their neck, knees and shoulder respectively.  Why don’t I have the same pain relief rights?  Why don’t I count?  Why doesn’t the quality of my life matter?  I know there are side effects with medication overuse of opiods.  I don’t think one Vicodin a day is medication overuse.  That’s all I ask for.

I recently tried marijuana brownies, and they didn’t really help.  That is, not unless I want to spend the rest of my life ” high”.  It might have been fun getting stoned in the 70’s, but now it makes me feel useless and out of control in that I wouldn’t be able to drive or handle an emergency.  It also made my already “over thinking brain” over think the “over thinking”.  It was enough to drive me crazy and trigger more migraines.  The side effects far outweighed any benefits.  Marijuana will be legal in this state in a few months.  My doctors would have never  approved my seeking this as a source of pain control, but I felt vindicated by the November 2014 elections legalizing this drug.  However, ganja won’t work, so I’m back to square one.

I continue to do all that the doctors ask.  Yes, I’ve been losing weight.  Yes, I’ve been avoiding triggers.  Yes, I’ve tried eight new possible preventatives in the last ten months with failure.  Yes, I try to smile and think happy and positive thoughts (come on, really?  This is the most insulting thing of all).  Yes, I say a hundred Hail Marys a day while walking on gravel on my knees ➡ okay, I’m being just a tad sarcastic.  However, this is how much I feel so disregarded:  the pain is my problem, and I should shut up about it.  That’s not good. 

I don’t even care whether or not I get reinstated with Vicodin, although it does temper my migraines.  It never helped take other pain away, and I don’t know why it worked on my head, at least enough to be able to have some better level of functioning through a majority of attacks.  No, if something else works for pain, I’d be glad to have it, but nothing gets offered for pain.  Nada.  If you’re on a narcotic pain med, current culture tends to see you as a drug seeking fraud.  But what’s our alternative???

Meanwhile, I keep dutifully filling out my migraine diary.  It’s the same scenario, different month.  No one really looks at it when I bring it to appointments.  I refer to it when the doctor asks a question such as how many days are you totally pain free?  The answer is maybe one or two if I’m lucky.  So what?  I wonder.  So what?  Until there’s a definitive cure, I feel like I’m wasting my time.  I am ranting again.  It’s over now.  No more negative.  Deep breaths.  Feel the moment.  Feel the migraine.  Ay carumba!  If I could cry like Lucy Ricardo, I’d do it right now.

This post and all on this blog represent my opinion only.  Please seek medical advice and treatment from your physician before trying anything!!!

About andreamarjulie

Just trying to navigate a life circumvented by chronic migraines. Sometimes I write about managing with those, but at other times I am prone to deviate a bit.
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