Forging Onward

December dwindles down its ordinary days to enter the holiday zone.  I’m still trying to find my Christmas spirit.  Between long term friendships going awry and a trial run of the Namenda® drug for migraine prevention proving to be a fail, the Christmas blissitude has been hard to summon.  December rains are here as always, and it’s coating everything in mirky gray.

Namenda® hasn’t been terrible, but I know it’s trying to bring me down as it keeps driving my weight up.  Since starting the med in early November, I’ve been stuck running up and down the same scale of four pounds.  Last week I thought I was going to break the walls that have kept me from seeing the other side of the lowest number.  Then I gained a pound for no reason!  So as I start tapering off this drug tonight, I’m hoping the logjam on the scale will finally collapse.

Used primarily on Alzheimer’s and dementia patients, Namenda® has not been too kind on my psyche.  Downright intrusive it is.  I’m already on an antidepressant and know it keeps me on an even keel.  The Namenda® tries to wrestle with the a.d. Cymbalta® by peeling back the protective layers covering up the darkness.  Namenda® is taunting me by hitting me with feelings I haven’t had since beginning the antidepressant.  As I try to deal with very real and powerful game changers in the life of one big happy group, I feel as if I’m doing so while caked in molasses.  Nothing makes sense in the two friends’ arguments.  I just haven’t been able to lift myself above the fray. 

I hope in the coming year there aren’t any more mind altering drugs that the doctors think might be worth a trial.  I have skin, not fur, like the proverbial guinea pig.  I’m done with experimenting on medications that play tricks on metabolisms, moods, thinking, and general well-being.  My next step will be to take a supplement that combines butter burr and magnesium, sometimes with Co-Enzyme Q and vitamin b-2.  All of the aforementioned I have tried, but not together.  It’s like last year’s anti inflammatory diet where I eliminated everything all at once that was suspect in causing migraines, instead of one food group at a time like I’d done before. 

So even as I inwardly groan, I know I have to try it.  I can’t say no even as I grow weary of some of the things that look exactly like what I’ve tried before, only in a new improved format.  It’s discouraging.  I also have some shots in store for me – some stronger type of Botox for Migraines that just might do the trick.  Though please note, three previous attempts at Botox didn’t help one iota.

Once the vail of Namenda® lifts, I hope to refocus on forging ahead in a better spirit.  After all, God forbid I should allow negativity to swallow the light inside.  Negativity is the bain of migraines, or so they’d lead us to believe.  I’m all for thinking positively and avoiding stress triggers, but at the same time I believe it’s insulting to insinuate that migraine sufferers are wreaking their own havoc.  I mean, really.  People who are mad all the time might never get headaches while the opposite could also be true.  It all comes down to my opinion that the doctors have no cure for migraines, so if the preventative meds don’t work, then meditate and embrace the philosophy of cognitive behavior therapy, because you can’t take anything for the pain. 

And the merry go round continues.  Over six months after stopping Vicodin altogether, I read in chart notes that my neurologist still labels my migraines as medication induced.  All I can do is shake my head.  It’s very disconcerting.  The migraines go on as always.  The doctors keep replaying the same cards.  As for me, I’m trying to reach for the brass ring and live my life as well as I can in the confines in which I must. 

The aforementioned medications and treatments and thoughts about migraines are my experience only and should not be misconstrued as truth.  Please consult with a physician before starting any medication, supplement or treatment.

About andreamarjulie

Just trying to navigate a life circumvented by chronic migraines. Sometimes I write about managing with those, but at other times I am prone to deviate a bit.
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