Here I am in the center of my new private storm, and yet I feel strangely calm. What I am experiencing is an interesting dichotomy: my past behaviors versus a recent understanding of claiming the present as the space that really matters. I owe Oprah Winfrey, Martha Beck and Eckhart Towle for this enlightenment. The lessons are allowing me to handle the outcome of my mistakes.
By that I mean the reckless abandonment of all things healthy. My eating habits have been atrocious. Cookies, candy, ice cream, cake and sugary soda pop. I might as well have been playing a game with diabetes where its ready to slap me on the back with a loud “tag, you’re it!” declaration.
Well, almost. I am so lucky to be diagnosed at the prediabetes stage (unless further testing indicates otherwise). I have a chance to rectify this situation. There is a new conviction inside me that is determined to make this right. Being mindful. Living in the moment. Along with proper diet, these tools will help me through.
I’m also grappling with high blood pressure and a hyperactive thyroid. My new doctor called this afternoon to give me the results of Wednesday’s lab work. The past has come back on me now because of my failure to take better care of myself. However, it’s useless to stay stuck in the past. The key to better health is going to be my forgiveness of myself and a vow to change.
I must confess how ironic it is that I’m the one facing these health issues. For years, I feared that my dear husband, who is quite large would be the one facing down diabetes and heart troubles. While I did eat healthy at times in the past and had lost a lot of weight, it frustrated me that he never seemed to acknowledge that he had a serious weight issue by addressing food addiction issues.
That frustration lead to a totally careless sense of abandonment on my part. It was far easier to simply join him in eating recklessly. Afterall, the house was set up as a minefield of junk food (it still is). It’s always been hard to resist all the temptations that abound around here. And given his love for mostly meat and potatoes, it was far simpler to eat out or rely on fast food. Add in a lack of dishwasher and there was a really compelling trifecta of reasons why cooking is not the best way to go in this house.
Lately, I have been cooking more. I’ve given up grousing over our lack of a dishwasher. It gets me nowhere. So I feel as if I’m part of the way there in terms of a new diet. I am looking forward to posting the results of my new endeavors. I can and will do this!