Reckoning with March

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My intention was not to dislike March, but it happened.  One week and one day after I turned sixteen, my mother died.  Year after year, I was reminded of that major loss and decided to blame it on March.  In particular, I dreaded March 8th, and I was convinced it was a day on which nothing good would ever happen.

Not a year since that fateful day in 1973 have I forgotten my mother’s passing.  The one year mark seemed like an eternity.  Then years piled onto years and I would be astounded by the large gap in time that I had spent living without her.  Now, I am two years shy of the age she was when she died.  It makes me so sad for all this passed time I have not had her in my life.

However, I haven’t missed my mother enough.  By that I mean that I have tended to over emphasize the things she did wrong and pushed aside the reasons I loved her so much.  It has been easier to grieve for my cute little old man father, who never raised a hand to us kids, and who had such a sweet gentle spirit.

My mother did too, but I have chosen to fault-find and nit-pick.  That has not been fair to her.  Just the other night, I was reminded of her when reading a magazine.  My emotions swirled, and I was able to fully deal with the fact that I missed her.  No more stuffing it down and denying my feelings.  I was bereft without my mom. 

So much has been missed without her in my life:  my children never got to know her.  I did not get to know her either, as an adult.  She did not see me graduate high school, college, get married, see her grandbabies grow up.  I will never be able to ask her why she did some things that bent my spirit.  It was hurtful, but it was really only a small part of the overall goodness my mother had.

And as for March, I have made my peace with this month.  Last year my daughter finally received a long awaited job offer on March 8th.  A good thing happened!  March has leprechauns and spring, sometimes even an early Easter.  Flowers begin to bloom and buds appear on shrubs and trees.  And, I have to believe that on this month, long ago, my mother’s spirit became reborn in afterlife with a loving God. 

About andreamarjulie

Just trying to navigate a life circumvented by chronic migraines. Sometimes I write about managing with those, but at other times I am prone to deviate a bit.
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